Thursday, December 15, 2011

Holding Space

Success for me is holding space. In the middle of our crazed busy days, the moments of near anxiety and having a complete inability to hold it all together, it is not an easy place to achieve calm breathable moments. We are creating this life. We are creating these places for calm, and joy, and beauty, just as we are creating chaos, and business, and burnout. I am overwhelmed, and yet I am happy. I add up the requirements, the jobs, the school, the volunteer positions, the children, the home, the remodel and I am unsure how I am fitting in these hours. It would be easy to give over to this. To not be in the moment with the children, tune out the present for the growing to-do list. Often my hard work goes unappreciated and unnoticed, but my time is always noticed. The kids pull me into reality, into this realm. I create pockets of enjoyable time in the midst of my job, or a project, by stepping away or rather stepping into the reality. However, I also make the 'priority' to create special moments with my children, and relaxed involvement. Engaged moments with our children happen for me when my internal-self steps aside and with it the rest of my thinking and expectations. I say that nothing is more important then this experience and the rest can wait. I put aside my expectations of gain or loss, of reciprocation, of shared experience with the kids. I am focused on what is present with them and how I am feeling in this moment. For me it is like being in the bottom of a swimming pool filled with jello and rather than fighting to the surface I am holding my body as wide and open as it can be to experience. I have created a breathable space for survival and am now inhaling the sweet scent, touching the mushy texture, viewing the light and darkness in the color, hearing the squish squish slop slop, and tasting the vibrant sour cherries (you were picture red jello, weren't you?). By creating this intentional space, this intentional time I am finding joy within. It will never be perfect but I know my own power to hold space. These are the moments, the only ones that I will carry with me forever. I may lose the specifics but I will remember the enjoyment, and I can only hope that this is what will radiate to my children.